I once again got annoyed with the assigned audio recording. I did what the speaker asked, and thought of someone and pictured the beams.. but doing that only took a second or two, yet the crashing waves lasted and lasted and lasted. It took too long for the speaker to move on to the next point, so I started thinking of something else. How long can you sit and picture a beam of light going from one person to another? What all does that entail that it has to last so long? That being said, during this exercise, and the previous exercises that I have tried to practice this week, I am just made aware of all the negativity and mental suffering that I experience. Sometimes I get hope that I can advance to a different level, however when picturing this person (my deceased grandma, who was the safest person I've ever communed with), I struggled with seeing that I would ever be able to think like her, meaning have her joy, peace and trust. Trust being the biggest one. Then, after concluding that I would never be able to understand her, she spoke to me and told me that I have endured a lot of suffering in my life, and to forgive. She wanted to take it away, like she wanted to in the past. This wasn't a vain word of wisdom, coming from someone who really had no clue into your inner experience, but yet who wants to give you simplified advance. She knew what I had been through, of my suffering, because she had experienced it with me. I also recalled a conversation that we had, probably our last one a couple years ago in which she was trying to help me understand the other person in my life who had hurt me, pushing me towards forgiveness for that other person, and for me. However, I have already forgiven that person, though she didn't know. It is interesting how our subtle mind, knows, without us consciously imposing the beliefs, but it knows more than we do.
During the exercises this week, I only had one successful session, which resulted in relaxation and clarity. In the other exercises, such as the witnessing mind and loving-kindness exercise, I couldn't tame my mind and finally gave up trying. Also, part of me is really resistant to doing the loving-kindness exercise. I think because it is time consuming and annoying. But part of it is because I have fears related to forgiveness. I fear that if I forgive, I'll just get hurt again. As if unforgiveness is a protective shield. Not only that, but it also means that transforming my thoughts and beliefs, and that is a little scary to do. I think when I try it again this week, instead of even attempting to go through the whole exercise, I'll just focus on one person each session, that is far more doable and I think could be beneficial.
Hi Jennifer,
ReplyDeleteI can understand how you may have been annoyed with this meditation, I have found in the past that if I choose a meditation and the speakers voice is annoying that it can be very difficult to continue on, if in fact it was the voice that annoyed you. But it could also mean you simply did not connect to that person too. Having connection is important, try some different meditations on you tube and see what grabs you. Try a meditation from Davidji, he has an amazing voice and just has a way of getting you where you need to be. Im glad you brought yourself to forgive, forgiving releases us. Remember, just because you forgive does not mean you have to condone the behavior and actions of the other person.
~Michelle
Thank you Michelle. I have only come to the beginning step, which is willingness. The understanding part is still difficult and I'm still trying to learn. It is easy to forgive people general grievances. But it is far more difficult to forgive major wounds inflicted by those close.
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